sister souljah (april 12th, 2018)

‘sup. it’s been a while. about four months innit? man. i’ve been meanin’ to write a entry here but i just internalized everything. bad idea sometimes. I don’t care much about the diction this time. i got bigger fish to fry this year. i could give a damn about capitalization in this entry.

i’m at my job (yes, the damn mall) and my shift starts in a half-hour. my check is not gonna be much because i worked 3 days last week and i was down south the week before. that trip was a change of scenery and therapeutic, in a sense. i knew so much about my family and everything. it was well needed. but yeah, i’m here. i’m in the food court, listening to scarface, with my heart in my throat. it feels like it’s been there since the year started.

i still live in trenton with my peoples (i won’t disclose any familial info on here anymore) and my father isn’t letting up about this air force thing. my mom saw the last entry on here and was so moved by it, she proposed that i write a book when i leave for basic military training in a couple of weeks. i accepted. so yeah, a book is coming. it’s called ‘away’. i look at this next adventure (the air force) as a way to get away from new jersey and a way to get AWAY from my mother, my father and even myself.

let me explain.

the past 2 months have been almost near self-loathing. the slightest form of self-deprecation. lemme change the song. i can’t be playing scarface.

*changes song to “summer madness” by kool and the gang*

this song and “my life” by mary j. blige has been my life lately. “summer madness” is my alarm every morning. but yeah. every couple weeks, i would get talks from my father about just being more, doing more, living more. the past 6 years have been a blur and pretty much a wall. a big white wall. i’m just driving past this wall and there’s nothing exuberant about it. maybe a splotch of paint here or a interesting but dark scripture there, but for the most part, it’s been bland. i’m at my ends with it and i just wanna change and get away. at this point, it’s like i’m watching myself do the s**t i’m being talked to about and i’m disappointed. just a “yo man, you know damn well” kind of disappointment. i know what’s wrong but i would work towards being right in a very incomplete way, y’know? if the wall had to be painted by friday and it’s monday, i would paint half the wall by then. you would then look at me like “dude the wall’s not all the way done” and i would sulk and go “but i did half of it.”

but nyles…… i said all of it. 100%, g. not 50%. i’m glad you did 50%. that’s dope. it’s better than nothing. but dawg, i said the whole damn wall.

this year has been the best year of my life for the wrong reasons. i’m looking at my life with a sense of confusion. fright. awareness, finally. annoyance. fear. disgust. disappointment. stupidity, more than anything. i said i was gonna do this and that by this time and that time but nothing happened. idk. hopefully, the air force helps everything and gives me a better life because for lack of a better term, i’m tired.

i’m tired of getting talks. i’m tired of commuting. i’m tired of working at this job. i’m tired of feeling like a bum even though i’m not. i’m tired of having to do something to prove to my people that i’m more than just a dude dragging his feet in his life. i’m tired of having really bad nightmares. i’m tired of living with my head on a swivel. i’m tired of leaving the house hoping to the lord i don’t get talked to about anything. this is not a regular kinda tired. i’m just tired of myself. this version of myself got no updates or upgrades in years. i talked to my friend kristin about it and she asked me a question.

“when’s the last time you finished something in your life?”

it took me forever to answer. i replied with “once. my album.”

my album dropped last year. i’m proud to start something and finish it ’cause to be honest, i gave up on a lot of things in my life. painting. music production. basketball. some of these things i didn’t even start because i was scared for whatever f***in’ reason. i have regrets in my life for sure. i can say i don’t but man… i have a bunch.

i don’t wanna be thirty and still feel like this. thirty will be here before you know it, too. i’ll be twenty-four this year and six years ago i was in high school so do the math. i just want life to be better ’cause there’s no type of fervor in my body ’cause that’s just how i am. i don’t let s**t get to me. i don’t stress on things (except the thing we’re talking about here). i don’t feed much into things ’cause life is short, man. what’s the point?

this has been the longest winter ever. it’s gonna be warm this weekend but i work all weekend so there goes nothing. that’s all i got to say about myself for the time being. i gotta clock in for work. i might be back on here tonight idk.

i dropped two of my best songs recently and it was in this madness i’m in right now. the bad brings the good out sometimes. look at adele. every time she dropped a ground-breaking album, it was under heartbreak. it’s almost like god has dudes on the payroll to break her heart so we can get another adele album. i think god is just putting me through this so i can make my own music or whatever. she’s putting me through this so i can……… y’know.

throw some paint on the wall and make a mural or something. like isaid, man. it feels like the longest winter ever.

y’know? anyways. peace.